The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

notoriousnovak:

 

Grinning at Maya’s reaction to the photos, he was able to tell even by her silence that she liked them.  He couldn’t help but think of her over the month. She was always in his thoughts and on the Sundays he’d go to church with Clare’s family he’d make sure he’d give an extra prayer for Maya, just for extra security for his mind. On the days that came before he went for his visit he tried to think of something special to bring along with him for her, and decided that pictures of her dearest friends and sister that he knew she missed would be a great addition to her room. After everything she had done for him over the course of the past year it was the very least he could do. He longed to do more, to somehow take away all the negative feelings she kept inside and carry them for her upon his shoulders so that she could be happy. Now that they were no longer together it wasn’t as easy as before, where he could wrap her up in his arms with a kiss and promise to be with her every step of the way. He had already broken the promise before it was even made; and it already set him back a few steps. But he’d listen to whatever she wanted to say for however long she wanted to say it.
She didn’t deserve this, and he wished whenever she saw in the mirror was instead what he saw when he looked at her. She was absolutely beautiful with a fiery personality to boot, and how she didn’t see the greatness in that he’ll never know.

His thoughts moved back to the photos she rummaged through, and he thought back. Tori and Tristan tried to get him to take a group one with all three of them together, but Zig, so hesitant to chance the possibility of upsetting Maya since their last date, decided against it. He had no place including himself in the stack, and decided to play it safe. But now that things had gone so well between them, he wondered if he should have taken the picture after all, and regretted he had failed to do so.

He shrugged when she thanked him and waved a hand dismissively, still grinning. “No worries. I, uhm, also was going to give you this,” He handed her the folded letter from his pocket. “I actually wrote it, if you can believe that,” He said, slightly beaming with confidence and pride at the now-legible writing. IN the letter, he had written with care that he missed her as did Tristan and Tori, and he had shared a few stories of the three of them since she had gone away for her to keep up with and have a laugh. He wrote about Katie and how he’s not afraid of her anymore, knowing it may get another laugh out of Maya. He wrote of the news about his writing and the new moves on his skateboard he hoped to show her one day if she let him, and so on, and ended with him wishing her well and reminded her for the second time how much he missed having her around. “You can just read it later,” He added, “When I go. It’s no big deal.”

Zig laughed as she jokingly warned him of her cello playing and rolled his eyes, shrugging his shoulders. “Get sick of good music? That’s like saying I’ll get sick of breathing fresh air, I think I’ll live.” He teased as Maya turned her back to him to put the photos away.

Zig went still at Maya’s question and a silence overcame the room as he thought about how to respond. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to open up to her, especially knowing she cared enough to ask, but he wondered if deep down it was truly his place to tell the truth when the visit was supposed to be about Maya rather than his home troubles. Though, as he thought, he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to lie and knew Maya would want that either. He wanted so badly to say something, she was the only one he ever really could. Throughout the month she was gone things only seemed to run more and more downhill, and the few weeks that came before Maya’s admission into the center he kept quiet about as well. He didn’t just lose his girlfriend that day they went their separate ways, but his best friend—His only confidant. Finally it was his chance to open up the bottled feelings he had stored away, but he wasn’t sure, as he remembered his surroundings, if it was really the time and place for the time to be about himself. He gave a sigh, breaking the quiet tension. “Things could be better,” He shrugged, trying to make it remain light. “My mom’s trying to make ends meet every month so I don’t really get to see her often, which is understandable,” And it was, but he couldn’t help but wish she let them stay with the Martins and Edwards just a tad longer to hold onto the feeling of a family rather than an empty apartment for as much as he could, but he attempted to shrug these thoughts away. He found this attempt to have failed as his hands that were clasped together as his elbows rested against his knees began to shake. He felt the waves of emotion hit him like a ton of bricks as he finally came to terms with these locked away feelings, and he kept his head down and his gaze away from Maya’s eyes as he felt his bottom lip quiver slightly. He bit his lip, trying to calm himself, but once again, he failed. “You know what? No. No, it’s not understandable,” He made himself look up, his misty eyes meeting hers. “She promised the two of us would be a family when we got out on our own, but we’re just kidding ourselves. We’re not a family, we’re just two people living in the same rundown apartment with barely any money to our name because she was too proud to stay with Clare’s family any longer. Now /that/ was a family. They ate meals together, watched movies together, talked to each other, actually /saw/ each other. And I get it; I get why I don’t see her, so fine, maybe I’m selfish. She’s trying to do her best to support me but I wish she would have let us save our money a little bit longer before getting out own place so she doesn’t have to work two jobs to just get by.” He finally paused and looked away from Maya as he brushed a tear from his cheek, ashamed. “All I want is a normal family. I know a lot of kids would kill to have their house by themselves and eat whatever they want whenever they want, do whatever it is they wanted to do but it’s really not as great as it sounds, Maya.” He gave a bitter laugh and a shake of his head. “I’d do anything just to have dinner with my mom for one night. Even if we were stuck eating a bowl of cereal.”  He paused again, but he wasn’t done. No no, far from done. He couldn’t stop speaking even if he wanted to, and by this point he wished he could shut his mouth for good but he couldn’t. It was as if he could no longer take the weight of it all on his back, and now that it began to crumble he let it release in full force.

He hesitated bringing up his father, knowing enough by now that Maya hated the subject just as much as he did. He had come this far, he might as well keep going. Besides; if she truly did care, which he believed she did, she wouldn’t want to be out of the loop. “I found out she’s been talking to him,” He said suddenly, and put emphasis on ‘him’ to give Maya a nudge in the right direction of who he meant without saying his name, and kept his gaze casted down. He hated bringing it up, it was a subject he never liked to dive in to—Not even with Maya, though she did bring a sense of comfort that no one else could even now that he knew he needed but felt wrong to ask for given their circumstances. She had her own demons to fight and they were the equivalent of polite casual friends given the way their conversation had gone. Perhaps he wasn’t supposed to seek out that familiar comfort anymore, but after he thought about it, he didn’t give a damn. “Maybe I’m making it a bigger deal that it is, maybe I’m just a big baby—But when I saw them outside The Dot talking, it scared me. I haven’t seen him since November, and finally seeing him now after all this time is just…It’s freaky. I thought I was having another nightmare or something,” He said, and finally stood up from his chair only to pace around the room, unable to keep still. He remembered that day clearly, how at the time it seemed so unreal he was certain he was dreaming; how he had been walking down the block on the other side of the street and had seen them speaking, but was unable to hear words or tones but it didn’t look like a violent conversation. Still, he had his share of nightmares at the time they all still lived under the same roof and several weeks that followed when he and his mother had gotten out and his nights were restless, and they’d share a peaceful beginning, the calm before the storm—then came the anger.

At the time, he’d sure it’d play out the same way, but it hadn’t. His mother had gotten a call and she excused herself a moment later, and they went their separate ways. The day still haunted him as the possibilities ran through his mind then just as they did now. “I-I still don’t know what they were talking about; if it was a court thing or—God forbid—She was forgiving him or he was trying to make amends, but it just..It scared me. I was scared just seeing him, just knowing she was just a few feet next to him. I haven’t talked to her about it, it just makes me mad because let’s be real, that’s one stupid move—Whatever the reason.” He said angrily, and gave another shake of his head as another tear rolled down his flushed cheek. This time, he didn’t bother wiping it away. “So my mom’s working day and night trying to just get food on the table and when she’s not, she’s meeting up with Dad for coffee I guess.”

He hated crying. He hated the way his vision got blurry and how his cheeks would flush and how he’d sniffle and couldn’t speak properly without stuttering. Most of all, he hated crying when he was supposed to be the brave one. He was supposed to be Maya’s support today, not break down in her room because he couldn’t get his own life together. It wasn’t her job to pick up his pieces, and he shamefully turned his back on her as he shoved his hands into his pockets. It was the first time since his dysgraphia that he had felt utterly stupid, but he knew he couldn’t dismiss himself and he took a seat back in his original chair, burying his face in his hands. He didn’t know what to say now or how she would react or if she even would. He probably should have stuck with the basic answer and left well-enough alone rather than run his mouth.
“I’m sorry” was all he had left to say, and fell silent in embarrassment.

Maya peered at Zig curiously when he announced that he’d also brought something else for her this visit. More presents? She thought to herself. A slight, sinking feeling of guilt appeared in the pit of her stomach at the thought of him bringing something else for her; she didn’t deserve his gifts. Whatever it was, be it another picture, or some sort of trinket, or the like, she didn’t deserve for him to still care about her and be thinking of ways to cheer her up and make this process easier on her – not after everything she’d brought upon them. Even though a part of her – the vain part of herself, no doubt – was gleeful at the thought that he still cared about her in some way, and even though she longed to have a memento of him of some sort, she knew she didn’t deserve it.

And yet, as she watched Zig remove what appeared to be an envelope from one of his pockets, a somewhat nervous look shadowing his features as he explained that it contained a letter for her, she couldn’t help but be excited, if a little apprehensive. He didn’t say what the letter addressed, but instead, informed her, in what she assumed he was trying to pass off as a nonchalant matter, that she could just read it after he left, which rather gave her the impression that its contents were either maudlin or contained things that had transpired that he wanted to vent about but couldn’t bring himself to talk to her about in person. Neither option particularly appealed to Maya, for different reasons, but she tried to hide any discomfort she was feeling at the thought of reading the letter.

“Oh…” Was all she said as she tucked a hair behind her ear before she got up and crossed the small distance to his chair, gingerly taking the outstretched letter between her fingers. It was strange, the way a piece of paper could feel so light and, yet, heavy at the same time. “Oh, um… Thank you. I’ll, um… I’ll read it a bit later.” She said with a little nod and a small smile before returning to the small side table and uniting the letter with the other mementos he’d given her today. She would refuse to entertain thoughts of what could be in his letter for fear that she’d work her anxiety into overdrive and give herself some sort of anxiety attack.

Once she’d secured the letter, she turned to face Zig once more, leaning against the short side table again as she prepared to listen to his answer. She really was interested in hearing how things were with him. She felt so out of the loop when it came to him, and it was unsettling; to go from more than half a year of dating to zero contact whatsoever was something she had been trying, and failing miserably, to adjust to.

Maya felt a pang of anxiety flare up as the seconds ticked by and Zig remained silent, his eyes averted elsewhere. Uh-oh, she thought to herself as the silence dragged on and he didn’t respond, merely appearing deep in thought. Was that the wrong thing to say? Is it too soon to try being personal with him again? She criticized, panicking at the thought that she might have made him uncomfortable and that might cause him to give her some half-hearted excuse and leave, ruining whatever bridges they’d managed to rebuild in today’s visit. She studied him, looking for signs of irritation or other troubled emotions in his features, but he merely had that serious look he often got when he deep in thought. She wished he would say something – though calm externally, she was pouring buckets of sweat internally and her heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. Finally, he spoke, but his answer did little to ease her feelings of discomfort.

“Things could be better…” He’d started. Oh no, Maya thought to herself, her heart instantly going out to him and her arms desperately wanting to wrap around him and ease whatever was troubling him. She was instantly sorry that she’d opened up this can of worms – no doubt she would worry about him incessantly once he left, especially since she wouldn’t be able to be there for him physically to help with anything - but now, she had no choice but to listen and allow him to continue.

And then that sinking feeling in her stomach grew as he went on to talk about how his Mom was always too busy with work and barely making ends meet. It grew because she was watching his features and his body language, the way his knees were shaking and he clenched his hands into fist, and could hear the tightness in his voice as he tried to reign in his emotions… she knew what all that meant. Years of being Zig’s confidant and his shoulder to cry on had helped her to identify and recognize certain warning signs for when things were getting to be too much for Zig and he was reaching his breaking point. A sort of helpless feeling came over her as she watched Zig pause and seem to struggle with something internally, the skin over his hands growing taught as he seemed to clench them tighter.

“Zig…?” She asked tentatively. Usually this would be the part where she held his hand, or threw her arms around his waist, and maybe gave him a peck on the cheek, in an attempt to keep him calm, which worked sometimes, but she was so conflicted because, as she was no longer his girlfriend, she felt she no longer had any authority to do such a thing. And then it happened, as Maya knew it would, when Zig paused, seeming to gather himself before retracting his statement, looking back at her with misty eyes, and she could sense what was about to happen. The floodgates opened, as she knew they would, and everything that Zig had kept bottled up for the past few weeks – heck, even months, as far as she knew – came spilling over. Maya was so still from shock, and slightly from apprehension, that she seemed almost statuesque, so engrossed was she in listening to Zig as he ranted about how neglected and resentful he was feeling, and how much he longed to have a real family, like he did with the Martins. It pained her as she listened to him vent about these things, because she hated seeing him in so much pain; he was the nicest guy she knew, and after everything he’d been through… it just seemed like too much. Why should he have to endure more suffering? Hadn’t he had more than enough of that for so young a person? It just wasn’t fair that the people who least deserved it always seemed to be the people who repeatedly go the short end of the stick with whatever life had to offer.

Maya watched helplessly as Zig continued, his breathing growing heavier and his tone becoming a bit harsher as he seemed to struggle with getting the rest of it out. She knew that, at this point, it was better to just let him get it all out in the open, but it was still hard to just stand there and listen and watch as he communicated the troubles he was experiencing with, first, his mother, and then, to Maya’s increasing silent horror, his father. Maya was always uneasy when it came to the topic of Zig’s father. He was the cruelest person that she’d ever had the displeasure of meeting, and was the primary source for the overwhelming majority of bad things had happened in Zig’s life. It was needless to say that Maya loathed him, and as Zig griped about the overwhelming evidence suggesting that his parents were back on speaking terms and, more than likely communicating behind his back and, possibly, getting back together, Maya’s hatred for the man, which already seemed to test the limits for how much one human being could possibly hate another, seemed to increase exponentially. Some of that hatred seeped into anger towards Zig’s mother. Perhaps her youth blinded her from being able to fully understand why it was that, after he’d caused her and her son so much pain, she would want to maintain any sort of contact with the man, let alone entertain the notion of getting back together with him and putting Zig in that sort of unstable environment, once again.

Maya fully understood the flood of emotions emanating from Zig, now. She didn’t know how he’d managed to cope with the situation for so long, but clearly he was overwhelmed and, if things continued with this route, he’d possibly need external sources to intervene – in which case, she hoped the Martins would be willing to help. After Zig’s Mom and herself, they were the next group of people who cared most about him, and he’d stated on more than one occasion that they were like his family.

In this moment, though, Zig needed her to help him with the things he was struggling with, and as she watched him finally give in to his emotions and broke down and started crying, Maya felt that she couldn’t just stand there anymore. She didn’t really think about what she was doing, nor did she feel as the tears she’d been fighting to hold at bay, for Zig’s sake, finally break free and glided down her cheeks as she cross the room and took up position on his lap, threw her arms around his neck in a tight embrace and leaned her head on his shoulder, her glasses getting slightly jostled in the process. The behavior was done so many times before that its familiarity made it seem as if nothing were out of place, despite their relationship status.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered with a slight tremor, not sure what she could say to make things better for him because, when it came down to it, what could she say? There were no words that could assure him that things would get better – everything was completely beyond their control. “I’m so sorry, Zig.” She repeated as she lifted her head, sniffling a bit as she looked up at him, her arms still draped around his neck. “I had no idea…” Maya trailed off, shaking her head slightly and turning her glance downward. “I’m sorry, I should have been there for you.” She said, suddenly thinking of the weeks leading up to their breakup and how she’d noticed a few, minor changes in his mood and behavior here and there, but hadn’t brought it up because she’d been all too eager to brush off everyone else’s problems during that phase in favor of her unhealthy obsession.

Maya realized that she’d subconsciously been with Zig’s hair at the nape of his neck out of habit and glanced up at him in shock, promptly retracted her arms to her lap, as if stunned, and quickly uttered an apology.

“Sorry… habit.” She explained sheepishly, hoping he wasn’t bothered. She decided to quickly press forward to cover the awkward moment. “But, Zig,” she paused for a moment and sighed before boldly taking one of his hands in hers, then continued, “You’re not being a “baby” about all this. It’s natural that you’d want to spend more time with your Mom, and… I think… given past events, it’s perfectly natural that you’d have your reservations about your parents meeting in secret.” She said, hoping to reinforce his concerns. “Your parents are the ones who are at fault here, Zig, not you.” Maya took that moment to squeeze the hand she was holding offer him a small, teary smile. She felt bad for not knowing how to cheer him up and make him feel better about the situation, but she supposed that was a tribute to how hopeless it truly was. Unless…

Maya glanced down as she thought about how she wanted to word her suggestion to Zig, and gave a small sigh before proceeding. “But… if it’s all really getting to you…” she hesitated before looking up again to meet Zig’s eyes, “Do you think you could talk to your Mom about letting you stay with the Martin’s, instead?” She asked, hating the small feeling of betrayal she felt somewhere at the back of her mind that she was betraying Mrs. Novak in some way. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be permanent, of course, it’s just… if you’re by yourself so much, and… she’s talking to your Dad again…” she trailed off, hoping that Zig would deduce what she was getting at and that he would agree.

(Source: mayatheoriginal)

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

notoriousnovak:

Zig grinned at her reminder as she playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Yeah, I do know better, I just couldn’t resist,” He replied with a grin. He was unable to help the wide smile, the reunion unfolding was something he hoped for but hadn’t expected. He was terrified things would have been a repeat of their last date, and was worried that she’d throw the accusations of never caring for her in his face or that she was still upset at him for leaving her. Upon arriving he really didn’t have any sort of idea this would be how things played out—As if it were the old days before the fights and the insecurity and the crumbling of their young love crashed before their eyes. He absolutely loved it.

Upon telling his friend Damon from school about his plans to visit Maya, he recalled his words easily: “She’s trouble, man,” he’d say, “If anything you should go give her a piece of your mind.” And Zig thought about it long and hard.—To tell her what she did hurt, but never about yelling or raising his voice, no—That would do neither no good. He didn’t want to get on that level. She was unwell, he wasn’t going to bring her down with harsh words. He cared for her too much for that, in which Damon shook his head at. In than end, though, Zig decided to take a different route—The higher road. And in the end, Maya already apologized, and it was good enough for him.

At her reaction to his news, he laughed as she threw her arms around him in a hug. “I know, only took forever,” He joked. He had improved over time, and he knew Maya knew this—But over the last couple months of their relationship it wasn’t quite brought up as he got better, and now his writing looked like that of an average fifteen year old—Completely legible and easy to comprehend. He put his hand over the letter he had written that was folded in his pocket, planning to give it to her in case things had gone sour, but was happy he didn’t need it after all.

“Nah,” He responded, chuckling off Maya’s response to Tristan and Tori’s karaoke nights, and shrugged his shoulders. “They just liked to get me out I guess, cheer me up. It’s not that bad. Hey I rocked that mic, not gonna lie,” He said playfully, and laughed at her embarrassment at his next question. He sat at the chair she gestured to, leaning back against it and folded his arms over his chest, relaxing.

At her light jab at herself, he attempted to smile, but it faded as quickly as it hardly showed. Memories of the hot scorching days she’d wear those sweatshirts to hide the body she hated so much returned to his thoughts, and he had a hard time taking it lightly. Perhaps this was what it was like for Maya when he would try to brush off the abuse of his father, and was unable to take the small joke as light. He said nothing to this jab, but smiled softly when she confirmed things had been good to her and that she’s been going to therapy and taking her medication as prescribed, and he felt instantly proud of her for coming so far from where she was just a month ago. He knew she had a long way to go, but she was already deep on the path of recovery, and he couldn’t help the burst of pride.

“Good. I knew you could do this.” He said, and had to stop himself from grabbing her hand. When she confessed she was homesick, it struck a reminder in his mind and he snapped his fingers in realization. “Well, I brought something for you actually—“ He said, and reached into the large cargo pant pocket on the side of his leg, and pulled out a couple of photos he had taken and brought for her. “I took some pictures of Tristan and Tori last karaoke night and at lunch and stuff. I even got some of Katie in there. They really miss you, you know? Just thought maybe you’d like them for when they can’t visit.” He said, though there were none of him. These were also to go to her like the letter that he’d slip under her door if she wouldn’t have let him stay. They were a small gift to her to show that he still cared for her very much still today.

At her joke about her family, he laughed, shaking his head. “I doubt that. At a wild party there’d be nothing for her to control, she’d probably go nuts,” He joked back. “And again, I doubt your family was actually glad to have less music around, if anything I bet they totally miss it now. Heck, I miss hearing it in the band room when I walk by,” He said, though he wondered if perhaps he’s pushing the boundaries too far. They were broken up, and even if he did miss her being around he wondered if he should have kept it to himself. The last thing he wanted to do was make this happy reunion awkward, and he looked down. “Can’t help it, I guess.”

Maya gave a small smile and glanced down, biting on her bottom lip, when Zig expressed his confidence in her ability to improve. It meant a lot to her to see that he still had faith in her and wanted her to get better. The thought comforted her and made her wish he would reach out and embrace her like he used to; yet, at the same time, the thought prompted a pang of longing which briefly flared up as she realized how much she missed having him by her side for support. At one point, he’d pretty much been the centre of her world; now, they sat opposite each other, not touching and trying to keep all conversation light and somewhat superficial. It were as though he were merely polite a stranger that she was trying to pass the time with, rather than her former beau, and she hated that they’d become this way because of her.

Maya was brought out of her somewhat brooding silence when Zig unexpectedly announced that he’d brought something there to cheer her up. Maya glanced up and furrowed her brows slightly as she watched him remove something from his pants pocket and then extended it to her before informing her that they were pictures he’d taken of Tori, Tristan, and Katie. Maya, startled, gave him a brief look of surprise and said nothing before turning back to rifle through the pictures as he explained what had prompted him to take them.

Maya could not hide how touched she was at his thoughtfulness. Even though she’d been so horrible to him in the weeks leading up to her being admitted to the centre, it seemed he’d never stopped thinking about her and had been trying to come up with a way to make all this easier on her. Her eyes welled up a bit at the thought and she smiled as she rifled through the pictures, blinking back the few tears that threatened to spill over. She waited until she’d gathered herself together again, using the photos as a cover to buy time, before she looked up at him and smiled.

“Thanks.” She said finally, her voice slightly whispery. There was so much she wanted to say to him right then, but things had been going so well this far into his visit, and she didn’t want to do or say anything that would upset the good mood they’d managed to establish. “This is exactly what I think I needed.” She added. What she failed to confess was that she also would have loved to have a picture of him in addition to the others. More than anyone else, she missed him like crazy – probably because she saw the others so much more  than she did him – and she would have love to have some sort of keepsake from him, preferably a picture or the like. But she felt that it wasn’t her place to ask, so she supposed she shouldd keep quiet about that one detail.

Maya gave a little laugh at Zig’s jab about Katie and wild parties. She had to admit, the thought of Katie throwing a rager was deathly comical.  She briefly imagined a fashionably dressed Katie following people around and making sure no one was drinking or dancing on furniture or anything, and it made her smile. “Yeah,” she agreed, “I think that a party would give Katie conniptions.” She said laughingly.

Maya listened as Zig went on to explain how her little quirks, like playing music around the house, was probably missed by her parents and that it was actually something he missed about her. She didn’t really know how to respond to that statement and so, for a while, she didn’t. At the bit of silence that followed, she saw him glance down, as though embarrassed, and try to sort of shrug off the comment, saying he “can’t help it,” and Maya felt her heart skip a beat in anticipation – though she tried not to get her hopes up that that meant anything. She knew that there might be a chance that he still harboured feelings for her, but she was certain that, after the way things had ended between them, there were no hopes of them getting back together. She gave a sort of awkward laugh and, clutching the photos he’d given her, got up from her bed.

“Aha, yeah, you say that now,” she said as she walked the short distance to her bed side table, “but when I get outta here and try to make up for all the lost time by playing my cello 24/7, you’re going to regret those words – I’m telling you.” She warned jokingly.

Maya pulled open the top drawer of the little table and placed the photos inside just to give herself something to do and provide an excuse not to look at Zig. She’d been able to avoid the full brunt of the emotional consequences of their breakup thus far because, for the most part, she hadn’t seen him since she was admitted and she’d been too busy with therapy to dwell on it for too long. But now that he was here, all of these old feelings of longing were resurfacing and she was experiencing a growing sense of anguish over it. Closing the drawer shut again, Maya turned to face Zig, leaning against the small table so that she was half-sitting on it. She hesitated before releasing a small sigh.

“Um… I know it’s not my place to ask anymore, but… how are things with your family?” Maya finally asked. She didn’t like the fact that they were tip-toing around each other and acting like strangers. At one point in time, she was the person he went to talk about these things, and she realized that she still desperately wanted to be that person, even if they weren’t together anymore. “How’s your Mom doing? I haven’t seen her in ages.” She reminisced. 

(Source: mayatheoriginal)

{ooc}

Hi guys!

So I’m uber sorry that I vanished into thin air but my internet company was doing upgrades in our area so our internet was out for almost a month, and that’s why I couldn’t get online to update Zaya. But it’s up now, so expect an update some time later today, okay?

Thank you all so much for following me and being patient with my crappy internet. I wuv you all so much. Mwah.

~*~Novie~*~

Anonymous sent: When is zaya getting back together?

Aha, well, I don’t want to spoil anything, but you guys know by now that Zaya is my niner OTP (Ally’s, too), so you have reason to be hopeful. Nevertheless, you can look forward to the answers being revealed in upcoming stories.

So stay tuned! :)

~*~Novie~*~ 

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

notoriousnovak:

At Maya’s smile, Zig’s became slightly bigger before evolving into a full-fledged grin as she ran over to hug him. He opened the door wider and steppe in completely, holding his arms out to meet hers. As she threw his arms around him, he wrapped his around her just as tightly as she held onto him, and closed his eyes. He buried his face in her neck and took a deep breath, relieved she was so happy to see him. His heart had been thumping in his chest since the drive here, and so many scenarios had played in his head. He was terrified it’d be a repeat of their last time together—she’d get angry, she’d yell, and if he was terribly unlucky perhaps she’d throw something to get him out. If he thought back to the time when she wasn’t overrun by her own paranoia, he never would have thought he’d be afraid of her. In fact, at the thought of him being scared of Maya, Zig would have laughed and laughed. She was feisty, sure, but never frightening. Not even when she got mad. She was a small girl who liked to paint and play her cello; there wasn’t a threatening bone in her body. Now, though—He knew hell hath no fury like a paranoid Maya Matlin.

His nervousness was washed away now as she held onto him, and the familiar feeling of missing her so was now washing away as well. He hadn’t held her like this in so long, let alone she her face that wasn’t in old photos he caught himself glancing at every now and again that he kept in his bedroom. As he heard her whisper an apology, he could hear her the raw emotion in her voice and feel the few tears wet his shirt. He rubbed her back comfortingly for a moment, silently letting her know that he understood what she had meant, and that she didn’t need to say more. “I forgive you.” He murmured back. He couldn’t find himself to hold a grudge, not in her condition. He wouldn’t lie and say she hadn’t hurt him that day she accused him of leading her on and throwing out what took him weeks to scrounge up the extra money for, but he understood she was in a place she couldn’t help. Not on her own, at least. She was sorry, and that was all he needed to forgive.

As she pulled away, his small smile remained as she wiped her cheeks, and at her comment, he laughed softly. “Maybe you finally grew to human size. I was convinced before you ran away from Santa’s Workshop or something.” He joked, noticing while they embraced he didn’t have to bend down so low to hold her properly. He recalled they used to always find it funny, their height difference, and the bittersweet memory of the times they’d tease one another brought a sad feeling over him that he shook off. At her question, he thought for a moment, shrugging his shoulders. “You may be happy to know I’ll be writing like a proper sophomore now.” He said, grinning, referring to the treatment he had begun long ago for his Dysgraphia that had finally given him the results he craved. There would be no more embarrassment handing in papers or having to do special assignments, no more teasing, no more feeling inadequate to the rest. He’d be on the same bar as anyone else.

“Other than that, uhm..Nothing really major I guess besides Tori and Tristan forcing me into karaoke every week.” he chuckled,  “Same old same old.” He decided to leave it at that. There were a few bumps in his life he still had yet to go through such as his family—But that was a topic for another time. He wanted today, now that it had turned out well, to be a good one. It wasn’t a time to bring his problems onto her when she had her own. He’d be fine on his own. He’d done it before Maya, he could do it now.

“Think I’d rather know how you’ve been,” He said, finally shutting the door behind him. “How’s everything here?” Zig asked, ready for a positive answer or a negative, knowing things like this did take much time and patience to work through as his Dysgraphia had for him—though he prayed for positive. All he wanted was to see her happy and healthy again, and as long as she was already on going along on the path to get there, it’d easily make his whole week bright.
He held his hand up before she had the chance to answer, pausing her thoughts for just a moment. “Before you say something, can we sit down?” He asked, smiling amusingly.

Maya smiled at his crack about her height and playfully punched him in the shoulder and feigned a look of pretend indignance. “Now you of all people should know better than to make wise cracks about my height.” She reminded. Of course, she didn’t mind in the least that he was so keen to fall back into their old patterns of bickering and poking fun at each other – this reunion, one in which they were seemingly falling so easily back into a sense of normalcy, was a far cry from how she’d pictured any reunion between them would have unfolded. She’d expected there to be a lot of yelling and accusations thrown at her, all of which she knew she wouldn’t have been entitled to do anything about because she was more than deserving of it. In a way, she wished that he would yell at her and say things to hurt her – as she’d done to him; it was only fair.

 But she knew Zig better than that. Even after all she’d done to him, even after she’d acted selfishly and brought more difficulties into his life on top of what she knew he was already experiencing, he was still being a complete gentleman to her – as he always was. The thought brought on another flood of shame.

“You may be happy to know I’ll be writing like a proper sophomore now.” At this bit of news, Maya felt her eyebrows raise of their own accord and the corner of her lips pull slowly to form a sort of surprised smile.

“Really?” She asked, grinning now. “That’s wonderful!” She exclaimed, throwing her arms around him to hug him again, but briefly this time. “I’m so happy for you, Zig.” She said sincerely. “All that hard work paid off!” Maya was genuinely pleased to see that, after everything he’d had to put up with the past few months, at least Zig had one thing going for him – and it was all the result of his own hard work.

Maya tucked a hair behind her ear and listened as he went on, laughing when he told her that Tori and Tristan were still forcing him to go to karaoke night. “Looks like I’ve created two karaoke monsters. Sorry about that.” She said sheepishly. It was, after all, she who first introduced Tristan and Tori to karaoke night at Little Miss Steaks. “I’ll talk to them, if you want.” She said, hoping that would serve as repentance for the torture they must have subjected him to.

She realized, though, that that would be the extent of how much he revealed to her, as he then asked to hear about her. She didn’t quite know what to make of the fact that he didn’t delve into anything about his family. Was the fact that he didn’t bring them up a good or a bad thing? Should she follow his lead and just ignore the elephant in the room? Maya decided that the answer to that question was yes. She was no longer Zig’s girlfriend and, therefore, didn’t have the luxury of asking him personal and intrusive questions. She was about to give him an answer to his question before he interrupted and suggested they sit down first. Maya instantly felt like a dunce for not suggesting it earlier.

“Oh, right.” She said, flushing with embarrassment. “Um…” she said as she looked around briefly, “You can sit here.” She said, gesturing to a somewhat small, unmemorable wooden chair with a cushioned seat upholstered in the same sea foam colored material as her bedding. The chair sat at an angle right in the crook of a corner and faced the bed, so Maya took a seat at the edge of her bed where she and Zig could face each other directly. She waited for him to also take a seat before launching into her answer, her position much like how it was before he’d interrupted earlier, her hands on her knees and clenched into fists, though not quite as tightly this time.

“Uh, well,” She said as she thought back on the last few weeks, “As you can see, I’m no longer wearing shirts so big it looks like I’m swimming in them.” She said as a sort of joke, hoping it wasn’t too soon for her make those sorts of jabs at herself yet. She knew that everyone else was still slightly sensitive when it came to her condition, and she wasn’t so sure Zig would follow their pattern. “But, um…things have been good with me.” She said, nodding her head a little. “I’ve been going to therapy, and taking all of my medication, and um…yeah.” She said, nodding again, not sure what else to say and not sure whether any of that was particularly helpful to him. She glanced down and fumbled with her fingers a bit, biting down on her lower lip.

“A bit homesick, though…” She confessed, trying her best to keep the longing out of her voice and remain nonchalant. “But mostly I just miss my cello and my piano,” she said a bit too brightly as she looked back up at him, flashing him a small smile, “My family I was actually quite happy to be rid of for a few days. And I’m sure Katie’s been using my room to throw wild parties when Mom and Dad are out.” She said with a little laugh.

(Source: mayatheoriginal)

Anonymous sent: What the fuck? Hold up! Zig and Maya broke up?

Sorry I’m just posting this, but my Tumblr was acting up and wouldn’t let me post messages, and then I forgot this was even here, but yes, for right now, Zig and Maya aren’t together.

It’s just that they’ve both been through a lot the last few months of their relationship, and their personal problems were taking too much of a toll on their relationship, so things had to end. However, they obviously still care about each other very much and, at the very least, are on speaking terms now.

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

notoriousnovak:

Zig kept his gaze on his shoes as he made his way down the endless hallways of the treatment center, glancing up every once in a while to the doors to check if the numbers matched the one he had marked on a slip of paper. It took some courage and an entire month to decide—but he had finally chosen to come see Maya for the first time since she had been taken here for treatment. He came to her door a few minutes later, but he just stood there for several minutes and contemplated.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her. He missed her terribly, of course—But with everything that had happened between the two of them and her recent behavior, the last thing he wanted to do was upset her further.
As Maya’s insecurity became much more than the minor part of a teenage girl’s life, things slowly began to go downhill and eventually lead to their untimely breakup. They had begun to fight as she began to change, and it wasn’t until almost two months ago when he finally decided he could no longer keep up with her.

He remembered the last straw as vivid and exact as the moment it happened. He had brought her to the lakeshore for a picnic lunch one afternoon, and at the time, he couldn’t wrap his mind around her choice in attire: A large heavy sweatshirt in the middle of Summer. He had pointed it out and advised her to take it off in the heat, and the next thing he knew it was as if a completely new person had appeared in front of him. He had never seen her so angry, and at such a simple comment at that.  He remembered her spilling out the contents of the basket he had gotten into the dirt and sand, yelling at him and accusing him of hating her looks and never actually giving a damn—And at the time it had all seemed so random. It wasn’t until later that he realized that the paranoia had taken over, making her lose all sense of logic. No matter what he replied back to her, trying to calm her down, seemed to get him anywhere. He told her that of course he cared for her, and he didn’t see how she could think of it in any other way. Why would anyone—especially one as poor as he—Lead a girl on with dates it took him weeks to save for? Why all the effort? Why, after eight months, would he still continue with a charade?
He finally realized though, that when you’re that unwell—You believe what you want to believe, and nothing else becomes the truth.

When she finally left him be and stormed off to call Katie to get her, he sat in the sand, gathering up the food that had spilled and slipped it back into the basket. He ate the food that hadn’t been soiled, not wanting to let it go to waste, and thought to himself as he picked at a sandwich. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this. It hadn’t been the first time she had snapped at him, become rebellious and no longer the Maya he had fallen so hard for. And on top of it, he and his mother could barely make ends meet every month for their rent money. His relationship was already strained as it was, as she swore them being on their own wouldn’t be as bad as he thought. After living with the Edwards and Martins for so long after the incidents with his father, he had grown to love being in a family where someone was always around. While he understood why his mother couldn’t fulfill her promise and still make enough money to pay rent, it didn’t always stop him from feeling as he did. And his hurt toward his mother only turned into anger when he discovered she had been talking to his father.

He was only fifteen. He didn’t understand how to handle all of it, added with Maya, no matter how much he wanted to help her. He tried, but he couldn’t take it—But he never gave up on her. He was there with her family and friends when they forced her into therapy for her own good, and not a day went by where he didn’t think about her at least once. He still loved her, that never changed—Even if they did. He was there when he and the rest of her family had an intervention, he was there when she left, and he’d be there when she was away—Literally and figuratively. Perhaps he was no longer her boyfriend, but that didn’t mean he stopped looking out for her, or wanting to. There were times she had broken his heart, and perhaps times he had broken hers when he told her he couldn’t do ‘them’ anymore—But even through the worst of it, it mended. It was hard to stay angry at her, and he was sure she still never realized the effect she had on him.


He gave a knock at her door, and he could hear her voice on the other side signaling him to come in. His heart skipped at the familiar sound, and he hesitantly turned the handle and opened it partially, peeking his head in the door. At her shocked expression, he offered a tiny smile as he opened the door the rest of the way and stepped in, closing it behind him. He leaned against the wood, and shrugged at her question—his small smile still present. “A guy can’t visit his friend?”

It took her a while to fully process what she was seeing. Zig was actually there, in her room, at the treatment center, and, what’s more, he was smiling – actually smiling. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen such a beautiful sight. Her heart ached at the familiarity of that smile and, yet, it was also slightly bitter sweet as she realized that the reason she didn’t have this in her life any more was her own fault. She’d pushed him away and he’d done what any sensible person at that time would have done – he’d ended things. At the time, the breakup had only confirmed what her paranoia had led her to suspect all along – that he’d never really loved her, and couldn’t wait to get rid of her. It was only once she’d entered treatment and started getting better that she realized how much of a driving force her actions were in their breakup, and how much she must have hurt him over the past few months.

Her heart ached at the thought, and it didn’t help to have him there before her, a small smile playing on his lips but his body language screaming nervousness, as though he was afraid of what her reaction to him being there would be - her actions form their last encounter probably still very fresh in his mind. It made her flush with shame.

“A guy can’t visit his friend?” He asked. Maya smiled at this, her eyes tearing up a bit. She glanced down briefly before she got up from the bed and rushed over to reach up and throw her arms around him. She hugged him tight, squeezing her eyes shut and breathing in his familiar scent. It had seemed like years, rather than a month, ago since she’d last seen him, and she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, her voice thick with emotion and a few drops of water managing to escape from beneath her tightly closed lids. She didn’t know how to go about apologizing for everything she’d put him through over the past few months, but she hoped that those two simple words, and her heartfelt hug, were enough to communicate everything she wanted to say but couldn’t. “I’m really glad you came.” She said sincerely. One of her greatest fears had been that she’d pushed him too far away and that he wouldn’t want anything more to do with her after their breakup, but she was pleasantly surprised to see that she had been wrong. She sniffed and slowly pulled away from him, wiping the wetness from both of her cheeks before glancing up by him. She was surprised to see that he didn’t appear as tall to her as he used to.

“I think you might have shrunk a bit, freak show.” She said with a slight laugh. The extreme difference between their heights had always been a private joke between them. She glanced down at their feet for a moment before looking up at him again, her expression somewhat somber. “How have you been?” She asked, genuinely interested in his answer. She’d had to fight with herself not to barrage Katie, Tori and Tristan about Zig every time they came to visit, and given the delicate nature of their breakup, none of them volunteered any information about him for fear that something would set her off, or detract her from focusing on getting well. As a result, she basically had no idea what he’d been up to while she was getting treatment, but now she had the chance to hear it directly from the source.

(Source: mayatheoriginal)

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

Maya clenched her fists tighter as she continued debating whether or not to do it. She was currently sitting on a twin bed with sea foam sheets, her legs dangling over the side and her hands resting on her thighs, balled into tight fists as she stared unseeingly out of her window. There was another group session down in the common room today, and this one was optional, but Maya was having a hard time figuring out whether she should go down to this one and participate. In her mind, with the combination of her cognitive behavioral therapy and some SSRI named “Prozac” that they’d given her, she was getting better. At least, to her, the fact that she no longer spent upwards of an hour picking at herself in front of the mirror as soon as she got up signalled that she was making quite a bit of progress.

Despite the fact that she’d thrown countless tantrums and vehemently denied to her family and friends many times that she didn’t have a problem, she was glad that none of them had listened to her and that her family had finally forced her into therapy. She hadn’t appreciated it at the time, but her life was infinitely better now that she was having significantly less of those compulsions. It was a relief not to be constantly plagued with anxiety about being among people for fear that they were judging her or looking at those parts of her that she thought were an eyesore, and it seemed absolutely ridiculous to her now that, just a month ago, she wore oversized sweatshirts and hoodies everywhere – even though they’d had one of the hottest summers on record – all because she was so paranoid about her body. She couldn’t believe that her illness had been so extreme that she couldn’t identify her strange behavior for the abnormality that it was, but she was grateful that her friends and family were able, and willing, to look past her façade and her countless tantrums – which were sometimes violent – and mood swings and get her the help she’d so desperately needed.

When she looked back on it, as she was often in the habit of doing, Maya would become flooded with guilt when she reviewed her behavior in her mind. She’d put everyone through so much the past few months. In particular, she was especially ashamed of how she had behaved on what would be the last date she and Zig would ever have together. He had only wanted to do something special for them, because things had been rough for both of them the past few weeks, but Zig had made the simple mistake of commenting on her choice of attire – not that anyone could blame him, as wearing an oversized grey hoodie to a beach picnic in 82 degree weather was more than cause for questioning – and Maya had flipped out on him.

The guilt would become almost suffocating as she thought of how she’d dumped things out of the basket he’d so meticulously prepared and threw them in the sand and shot ridiculous accusations at him, saying that he’d been lying that he’d never really liked her and secretly hated the way she looked and was merely leading her on. She’d given no thoughts as to how much she must have hurt him in that moment; Zig had never had much, so whenever he’d managed to save enough to do something special for her, which wasn’t very often, she was usually very appreciative of the sacrifice she knew it must have taken for him to set up something like that. But on that day, she’d been so blinded by her paranoia and insecurities that it didn’t register to her how much damage she did to him by wasting everything he’d packed and ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing and stress free date for them.

Maya didn’t like to think about the inevitable breakup that ensued shortly after that. It was much too painful. Perhaps it would sound too cheesy or cliché, but during the eight months that they’d been dating, she’d come to think of Zig as her soul mate, of sorts. She didn’t care that they were young – she’d thought they could have been one of those rare couples who dated all through high school and would, one day, end up marrying each other. She now realized how stupid she’d been. Life just wasn’t that simple. Things changed, people changed, and they grew apart. Why had she thought that they were immune to that?

Maya sighed and fumbled with the edges of her shirt as she tried to make up her mind about whether to go down to the group session. While she’d made a lot of progress, she knew that she still had a ways to go, and while she never failed to attend her solo therapy sessions, she scarcely went to the group sessions, that fear of people judging her still somewhat at the forefront of her mind, even though these people could relate well to her and held similar experiences.

Just then, Maya heard a knock at her door, and her first instinct was to run and grab an overly large shirt to cover herself with, but the feeling lasted only for a fleeting moment before reason kicked in and told her that she didn’t have to do that, that there was nothing wrong with her, and she didn’t need to hide. She found it strange that she still had urges like these, but her therapist told her that they would fade I time, so long as she kept up with her therapy. Maya really hoped it was true. She cleared her throat before she took in a deep breath.

“Come in.” She called to the unknown person on the other side of the door as she repositioned herself so that she was no longer sitting with her feet dangling over the bed, but was now sitting cross legged in the center of her bed. She saw the door open and an achingly familiar face stick his head in the door.

Maya got a strange feeling in her stomach – a hollow sort of feeling that occurred when one was suddenly frightened, like when one missed a step walking down the stairs and briefly thought they were going to fall. She felt her eyes widen and her breathed hitched as she took in the sight.

“Zig…” She whispered, not sure what to make of his appearance. This was certainly an unexpected development to her day. “What are you doing here?” She questioned.

positive-affirmation:

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